I found an OLD file on my computer......SHIT that is the only thing that come to mind. All of his poems, something I had saved and hidden within the depths of my computer so that he would not delete them all in one of his self destructive rampages. I can't open them because i know that 98% of them are love ballods to, for, or about me. What do you do with something like this. I am in love, with THE perfect man, that man that will be beside me for the rest of my life. But here I have a peice of my past, although it was painful at times, it is there, behind this mindsay window on my computer is a testement to how he felt for me. What do you do????
FUCK.....memories serves as a quick kick in the perverbial pants.
So I pose a question or two to you mindsayers.....When you break up with someone do you keep or do away with all physical entities of said relationship? If you significant other still has remenants do you accept that they have them and allow them to remain in the back of a closet and under a bed? WTF do you do?
Those who know me and are close to me will be the ones who understand the title...sorry.
So....as I was saying, in true "squishy" fashion I have step out of the perverbial parental box, although I am not sure how much I was actually still in it. Relationships with family is something that is touch and go, give and take. Every person has a family that contains some form of disfuction, and was are all tied to that disfuction, until we deside to step out of it.
I have opened a pandoras box today between me and parents, they just have not figured it out yet. I think that this step is the first in many that are going to lead to "disappointment" by my parents. I have been attempting to get into an apartment for six months now and it has been an arguement....no....and flat out fight between me and my father because i require an guarentor because i have not credit!!!! I went today and signed a lease, without my parents help, without their signature, using close family friends as my guarentors. Now to most these seems very minamal but to someone who MUST have control over EVERYTHING this is a step over the edge.
I refuse to be responsible for everything in my life except when it is convienent for him to restrict me.
So Squishy, as i told you I envied your step to the "dark side", well scoot over cause i am about to join ya in the whole parents think you are being totally selfish and piggheaded catagorey. Can I buy you a drink!?!
So, I am a bit in turmoil right now. Maybe disappointed would be a better term. Me and my guy were in bed last night talking before we went to sleep and we got to talking about his pharmacy school (he is a first year grad student in pharmacy) and he told me that he is considering doing a specialty in hospitals instead of retail pharmacy. I think this is great for him, I think he would find it much more interesting and challenging, a field in specialization offers him better job security and a bigger paycheck HOWEVER it requires a two year residency after his year of rotations.
This does not all seem so bad.....well here is the catch, we were going to get married Christmas of 2010, my senior year, his 3rd year in pharm school. His fourth year in pharm school are his rotations and we were prepared for that to cause us to be apart for awhile (it is only an eight month deal). I would be going into my first year of grad school for physical therapy, with this residency he could end up anywhere and I will be stuck with my school. This would mean the first three years of our marriage would be spent (for the most part) apart. That is not going to happen,...so yet again, marriage looks like it will be delayed.....lifes a bitch
A long extension onto my marriage and age post....
So I was thinking the other day about the paths that I our lives will take. The older we get the faster time blurs by. I have so many people who look at me aghast when they find out that I am 19 and that I am engaged…."Don't rush into anything"…"Your soooo young"…"Why would you get married now, you should play the field"…these are common responses. And my thoughts (some times my comments) are yes I am young and yes we have only been together for a year but who are you to tell me what will or will not make me happy?
I am tired of hearing what other people think that my mistakes are. Since when did marriage become this disastrous thing that all people under 21 who are even considering it are either crazy or pregnant and are forecasted to divorce within five year? When did we as a society lose the commitment to a sacred bond between two people? ( need i remind all that marriage used to made as young as 16 and that most of our grandparents were married and had a kid on the way at 19, and they probably had a 30-40 plus year marriage.)
So back to my thought process. I was considering my fiancée (it was our one year anniversary yesterday) and I was wondering where you decide someone it your perfect match. I returned to a conversation that I had had with my ex on various occasions, my cynical question was always "How do you know, how do you know that there is not someone else out there who is more perfect for you?" Here is the answer I have come to, Yes, I could "play the field" I could play the field FOREVER and not know if the person I am with is that perfect person. I have found someone who fits me, he loves my body (So far from a beautiful supermodel) and yet he finds me beautiful. I have a man who is driven in he school and career path and wants a family, he is silly and yet has a side that is perfectly serious and compassionate. Yea there are things that he does that make me mad or that drive me nuts but I have the same things for him.
It all comes down to COMMITMENT. We need, I need, to find someone that we want to devote ourselves to and then hold that commitment sacred and keep it. Not get board and decide to move on. Make the commitment and make that your life, built around this one person, and devote yourself to them. Because when you devote yourself to someone, there is not any room for another person and no room for divorce.
I feel slightly crazy for being so young and engaged. I feel too young and i feel like we have rushed into something that, given my self destructive tendencies may crumble.....he loves me but i just dont know if i am ment to be with one person for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!! How do you know?
I am putting myself out into the bloggosphere again! I really miss just venting everything out onto the screen. Noone to tell me to calm down, or take a deep breath. Nothing to tell me that I am being irrational when all i really want is to place down a raw emotion and let it evolve into a ration train of thought.
1. The boy: I am engaged, in love, and happy Christmas 2010 is the plan but we shall see with school and all!!!
2. The family: Currently dueling it out with my father, but this is the norm. From one battle to the next and back again. I know why we can choose our family (because we would run away from our choice in an instant!!!!) but no one person is better to have as a family member over the next so I will accept my crisis of fate, pick my battles, and use brute force of will if necessary.
3. The roomate: 100% self centered bitch and liar (Enough said)
4. The friends: Miss my best friend who slaves waaaaaay too hard at home, and miss my cousin terribly!!!! (Two most important friend entities in my life)
5. School: Organic Chemistry test tomorrow (until that is over nothing else matters)
6. Future: Full of options, blank slate when it comes to certainties. (Physical Therapy- career----married by 2010----kids?) Best options (long term of course!!!
I am going crazy.....!!!!!!!!!!!!................
I am not sure where to start....the new birth control adding on the pounds (not to say that my eating habits are not helping) lending to my already extreme self consciousness.
The fact that my future is so volital right now and i have no control at all (I am a CONTROL FREAK!)
The fact that I am alone and my bf is in argentina where I cant even call him.
The fact that my ex wants to be friends.
The fact that there are five more days of this.
The fact that my Grandfather is dying
Where does it end....When to I get my break....hopefully before I break.
sleepSo usally I have a hard enough time falling asleep on a normal day but this week is extra hard. Ever since me and my boyfriend have gotten serious we have pretty much slept in the same bed everynight well is it spring break and he is in argentina...makes sleeping with him kinda difficult. I never thought I would say it but my little twin bed is waaaaay too big without him there to hold me *pout* I have been spoiled so I am up writing a chem lab so that I dont have to crawl in bed by myself...haha.... I am such a dork.
