I am going crazy.....!!!!!!!!!!!!................

I am not sure where to start....the new birth control adding on the pounds (not to say that my eating habits are not helping) lending to my already extreme self consciousness.

The fact that my future is so volital right now and i have no control at all (I am a CONTROL FREAK!)

The fact that I am alone and my bf is in argentina where I cant even call him.

The fact that my ex wants to be friends.

The fact that there are five more days of this.

The fact that my Grandfather is dying

Where does it end....When to I get my break....hopefully before I break.

So usally I have a hard enough time falling asleep on a normal day but this week is extra hard. Ever since me and my boyfriend have gotten serious we have pretty much slept in the same bed everynight well is it spring break and he is in argentina...makes sleeping with him kinda difficult. I never thought I would say it but my little twin bed is waaaaay too big without him there to hold me *pout* I have been spoiled so I am up writing a chem lab so that I dont have to crawl in bed by myself...haha.... I am such a dork.

So I have been dating him for almost three months. I love him I really do. I would do anything for him and i know it sounds crazy in this short of a time but I know that I want to marry him. So here is the problem, we have always had physical bounds *just to clarify we have never gone all the way* but he has decided that he wants to work harder on his relationship with God. I am totally for that, when we got into this relationship that was one of the baseline agreements we made between each other. But I am so confused because we have been doing pretty well and then today he came very close to exceeding the new bounds that he had set for himself and if I had not stopped him he would have. I should not be the one to say no!!!!!! It pisses me off that I am the one that has to.

That is problem one: Problem two

I used to be a tiny girl and I know I used to be pretty cute but now I am not horribly fat but I am bigger than I need to be and I am self concious about it. When I really start to get conscious of it I pull away from him and I dont know how to tell him that it is nothing to do with him. I have told him that I am not comfortable with myself and he assures me that he loves me just the way that I am and tells me all the time that he thinks that I am beautiful but what i see is completely different and I just want to look good for him and feel comfortable with myself for him and when i pull away from him I can see that it hurts him.

How is it that we fall in love with someone, be so incredibly happy, and yet be so scared that we are going to hurt them? I am so scared that this guy is going to wake up one morning and realise that I am not what he wants or that I am going to do something stupid.

I am a broken emotional mess and I am so scared that it is going to effect something that could make my life so incredibly perfect. What can i do to ensure that this goes how we want it to.

Christmas brought alot of new things this years. It was a first and very well could hold a last in some ways. My Grandfather has always been strong figure in my life. He was always there on Sunday morning to take me and my cousins to Mkie-D's. He was that big cuddly teady bear for me and my cousins to cudle, restle, and play on. This summer took away that man from me. It left a shell of who he was. The strokes took the one man in my life out of any that I wanted to be there for me to get married. I remember watching him and my grandmother tease and fight playfully only to end in kisses. I remember thinking if there was anything that I wanted from life I wanted to find the love that they had. I wanted a man like that beside me to ride out that storm. This Christmas was spent with family but it broke my heart. He wasnt telling her to sit down, to relax, to calm down that everything was perfect. He can't. He never said her name. That "shirley" laced with frustration and love at the same time that was such an ornament of our christmas dinners. It breaks my heart.

And I am mad. The fact that this could very well be the last for him, for us, for the family. They all should have been there damnit!!!! The whole Goddamn family should have pouring through those doors to be with them. Should have been there to help grandma to make this the best damn christmas that any of us had known. But everyone one was so caught up in their own vices, their own world, and their own exscuses that they left them alone. It killed her not to have her kids there, I could see it.

The only thing that makes any of this easier is to know that everyone was there right before. Sometimes I want to blame myself for the strokes because of all the hubbub in my graduation. Sometimes I wished I hadn't begged him to come to those extra programs, He even told us that he was not feeling well. On the same note I am glad that he got to see everyone who came. Im glad he got one last huge family gathering.

I miss him so much!!!!!

Do you ever wonder where life is going next? I guess to some exstent this is a stupid questions but in reality we all have to ask ourselves is the way we feel about our life normal? Is it normal to be scared shittless that you have no idea which way is up or where you will be tomorrow? Is it normal to know that someone cares about you and to still be scared they are going to leave you? I wish that I could put my words out on paper like Milton or Wordsworth or some other great historical poetic icon but I can't.

The truth of the matter is....

We fall and we get up....

If we get to high gravity is sure to pull us down.....

Good things come to those who wait and they disappear from those who wait too long....

We get to worring about those we love that we forget about what it is doing to ourselves...

I regret hurting some people that I have over the past years. I wish that I could sponge away some of those times in my life. I know what happened had everything to do with me as it did with the other person and that I cannot be held accountable for the way that they take them but the fact still remains is I can see that path of destruction although it is not all mine and I regret having played a hand in some of it.